be careful what you wish for...

After losing sleep due to unnatural amounts of excitement and nearly becoming a single man after screaming the words, "SPLENDOUR!!! SPLENDOUR!!!" in the throes of passion...

Splendour in the Grass's first line-up announcement finally arrived. And what an anti-climax it was.

It is a football team with no forward line and no defenders but with a fantastic mid-field. Frankly, it's a pretty shit team.

The headliners, who should in theory be kickin' goals, are woeful.
Devo - a forgotten and frankly weird band from the 80's are to have the honour of ending our Splendour experience. I have a few problems with this prospect.

Firstly, they cling to a fucking stupid 'devolution' gimmick like a fat girl to the hot chick at a club. Secondly, it is in my opinion that any band that is responsible for the atrocious lyrics, "you must whip it, whip it good" does not deserve to step foot on the luscious fields of Belongil, let alone occupy the position previously held by the greatness of Sonic Youth, Arctic Monkeys, Brian Wilson, Queens of the Stone Age and DJ Shadow.

Then there's Wolfmother. Where to start...
Not only did these guys piss me off by re-recording all four of the tracks from their self-titled EP for their album (lazy fucks) but then they proceeded to tour that album for what!?! Two years?!! Releasing how many fucking singles to be ruined on Nova!??!

Fuck guys, that's a sure-fire way to get everyone to hate your music and let us all know you're in it for the money...Now in 2008, with no new material available, they headline arguably the best international festival in Oz - Fuck That! And fuck their Grammy! No one respects the Grammys since Norah Jones took home like 20 one year anyway...

Not only were Wolfmother playing the exact same songs at Splendour in the Grass 2006 - but they were 6th or 7th on the bill. What has happened to their music since to justify the jump to being a headliner? Does a stupid golden gramophone sitting on your mantlepiece make your songs better or something?

I don't understand Splendour's logic. Even if Wolfmother gave us a preview of songs from their upcoming release, who wants a headliner set to be filled with songs you don't know? How awkward.

I'm sad to say though that this is far from being the only problem. Our defenders, both in the sense of defending the might of Aussie music, and being the backbone to any festival is also failing. The repetitive recycling of Australian Music at Splendour in the Grass is becoming boring and just plain annoying.

Along with Wolfmother; The Vines, Van She and The Grates are all 2006 veterans with no new material to play. And even worse are offenders Operator Please and The Panics who were there last year for fuck sake!

Conversely, I applaud The Presets for being at Splendour in the Grass 08 (despite being 2006 veterans aswell) because unlike the above said bands, they have a new album to showcase, and their set will be the pinnacle of their homecoming tour. Organisers should have applied this formula to the other Australian music choices. Here are just a few other options that were up for the taking...

Angus & Julia Stone - These 2006 veterans released a beautiful and under rated album last year called A Book Like This.
Little Red - Winners of the 'Garage2V competition' with their unique 1960's Happy Days-esque music.
British India - The Australian indie-rock success of 2007. Why? Why? Why are they not on the bill?
Lior - Fresh with a new album and a growing fan-base, Lior's voice would just make the women melt at the theatre stage.

So in the key positions of attack and defense, the Splendour tacticians really dropped the ball. But Thank God we at least have a fucking awesome mid-field. My predictions of Fratellis, Vampire Weekend, Pnau and Band of Horses should at least provide some respite along with the likes of Cold War Kids, MSTRKRFT and The Wombats. But overall the team at this stage is struggling, at the result of some bad band selections.

Ben Lee - If he doesn't get fruit and other objects thrown at him during his performance, I'll eat my own hat.

Scribe - Who cares about this guy anymore? Do rap aficionados even listen to him?

The Music - I seriously did NOT know these guys still existed. When was the last time they did anything?

The Living End - As much as i can understand Splendour's idea of putting these guys on, they have very little old-school value because they never appealed to the masses, but rather only the pop/punk enthusiasts...and even most of those guys have moved on by now...

Sigur Ros - Despite being an amazingly talented band, is just unsuited for Splendour's outdoors environment. If I was to see Sigur Ros perform live, (which would be blissful) i would want to be seated in a beautiful theatre with booming acoustics and I'd want the crowd to be fucking SILENT.

The subtle nature and texture of their music would just be ruined if there was some English tout screaming "VICTORIA BITTER!" at the top of his voice to reach his mate at the bar. Again, i can see what the Splendour organisers were trying to do, but alas it was another miss.

Disappointed is an understatement. I was devastated by this year's lineup, i keep a slim hope in my mind that they're saving their big guns for the second release, which should be sometime in June. By that time though, i will have already invested several hundred dollars, so it looks like this year is gonna be one helluva gamble.

I can recommend two possible ways for Splendour in the Grass to make up for this indiscretion:

1. Convince Lauryn Hill to come out of exile and play The Miseducation of... start to finish.

OR

2. Resurrect Kurt Cobain from the dead.


Anyone wanting more info on the fest regarding lineup or tickets or whatevs should hit up the website: www.splendourinthegrass.com

Dear Santa, i have been a good boy so please...

This is my Splendour in the Grass 2008 wishlist:

Radiohead - After crying in the shower after Thom Yorke canceled their second Melbourne show on the Hail to the Thief tour mere hours they were due on stage, its time for some reparations. And with their 2008 release In Rainbows circling the top of my 2007 album list, i would be more than happy to have them as my Sunday night headliner.

The Verve - Pretty much the most unexpected and awesome reformation last year apart from Rage Against the Machine. These guys have wowed their European audiences with all the classics plus new material which has been given the universal thumbs up. Urban Hymns played start-to-finish anyone? I think these guys could end my Saturday night in Byron quite nicely.

The Prodigy - Fat of the Land is the bible for ravers and is accessible enough for Cut/Copy fans to enjoy. This makes them one of the coolest and craziest dance/electronica/techno bands to have ever existed. If you've never driven your dad's convertible at 140 km/h on Dandenong Road listening to Voodoo People at a deafening volume, either you haven't lived, or you're not a fucking psychopath.

The Kooks - If they don't tour by the end of 2008 there will be assassinations. With a new record Konk which is (seriously believe me) better than Inside In, Inside Out (i know, fucking awesome!!!) i want the guys who make acoustic guitars cool to finally recognise that Australia is a continent that might actually be worth touring.

Bright Eyes - Patience is wearing thin with you too Conor....

Moby - This guy does what he wants, never conforming to what his audience wants or expects from him, something pretty rare in music these days. His new album Last Night is amazing, a concept album about an all-night bender. If you don't think that's cool, go back to playing World of Warcraft on your lonely Saturday night.

Franz Ferdinand - With word coming through Marvin Gaye's grapevine that the new album is a return to 'pure pop' - then it's time to get excited. Renowned for a killer live set and best friends with our boys the Cutters, we want some Scottish love from the boys that make historical figures insignificant in the face of rock'n'roll.

Fratellis - Same goes for you fuckers in terms of touring. I mean how long do we have to fucking wait to hear the scream-your-lungs-out Chelsea Dagger live? Using fatigue as an excuse to cancel your tour is weak enough in the first place but how long does that shit last anyway? Get back on the horse you pansies.

Vampire Weekend - They're a British rock band and they sound like they're from Africa. Do i need say more?

Lupe Fiasco - I've heard this guy called "rap for Coldplay fans" which despite being hilarious, i think has an element of truth to it - this guy knows how to write a melody let alone a lyric. The most under-rated rapper on the scene, this guy is the heir to Kanye's throne following his shockingly titled yet utterly brilliant 2007 release The Cool...(cringe)

Diplo - Pretty much the Jedi master of genre hopping. This guy can mash Black Sabbath with sebastiAn and sample Michael Jackson over the top, while drinking some absinthe at the same time. He's just that fucking good. He's the reason M.I.A and Bonde Do Role aren't on the dole and is the famed creator of remixes for Kanye West, Hot Chip, Justice and Bloc Party.

The Last Shadow Puppets - Well if we can't have Arctic Monkeys two years in the row, can we at least have Alex's side-project? Genius comes in many forms and under many different names you know...

The Presets - yeh yeh i know we've all seen 'em a bunch of times, but listen! They're awesome live and their new album is rock solid motherfucking GOLD!

Ben Folds - We all thought the orchestra thing was cool Ben. But how about this...get a guitarist, a bassist and a drummer and rock the tent to its foundations. Who could possibly hate this guy when he busts out One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces?

Pnau - Well I'm humble enough to admit it took me awhile to actually know how to pronounce the name of this band...same happened to me and Gotye come to think of it. Anyway these guys are too fun and happy to leave off the Splendour list. Get out the glowsticks, take whatever substance takes your fancy and dance like you can't feel your legs. N.B - coming from what friends of mine have said, if that substance happens to be Special K, you may not actually be able to feel your legs...

Kasabian - Like Lupe Fiasco, the last time they toured, the Big Day Out did not give these hooligans the honour they deserved insulting them with some shitty midday set. Let's bring on L.S.F and Shoot the Runner - get the ole mosh pit going yeh?

Adele - Coz her voice reminds me of Ella Fitzgerald. Those Amy Winehouse comparisons are way off, if anything she's more like Norah Jones, but with a bit more life in her body...which wouldn't be hard. Her album is gorgeous and having a fat bird there might be good publicity for the festival. Ouch.

Band of Horses - Their album Cease to Begin grew on me, took awhile but it eventually did. Now i'm obsessed and want to see The Funeral and Ode to LRC live. Do i need another reason? No.

PJ Harvey - I missed her Uh Huh Her tour and was close to suicide because of it, and although i wasn't the biggest fan of White Chalk...if i hear any song off Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea live, i think i'd orgasm. literally.

Death Cab For Cutie - New Record = new direction. And we like new direction by the sounds of the 8.5 minute single I Will Possess Your Heart. Although they were at Splendour '06, they played a stupid 3.30pm set which sucked and there were all these OC teeny boppers which just made me want to hurt people. Bring them back and give the indie-kings the respect they deserve.

Belle & Sebastian - Granted, they are wankers. Apart from that though, this band is so god damn talented it would be a shame if we didn't bring the 'wank factor' up a notch this year. It would be worth it. Don't believe me? Download The Boy With The Arab Strap and then come chat to me.

Cajun Dance Party - My newcomer of the year, the London boys should make their first visit down under a good one. Check out the myspace, its hard not to fall in love with Amylase.

Rilo Kiley - Jenny Lewis is so gorgeous, i want her in Byron just so i can find out where she's staying and propose to her. Another reason to have them there could be that this band is one of the coolest indie bands on the planet. And while their new slick direction with Under the Blacklight wasn't exactly my cup of tea - Jenny could make up for it I'm sure.

So am i asking for too much?

The Smashing Pumpkins - Festival Hall

Okay well before i talk about the gig let's get some things out of the way so we all realise the gravity of the situation...

The Smashing Pumpkins were without a doubt, one of the greatest and most influential bands of the 1990's. And when i say "one of" i mean like...top 5. Releasing their debut album Gish in the same year as the epic Ten and the era-defining Nevermind, these guys were the late bloomers of the bunch. But boy did they bloom, their second album Siamese Dream is still regarded as the seminal alternative rock album of the 1990's, and their epic, genre defying 28 song magnum opus, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness brought them the highest selling double album of the decade.

Not bad ey? But as all the great bands do, they fell from grace after a drug scandal forced drummer Jimmy Chamberlain to quit the band and enter rehab. In his absence The Smashing Pumpkins recorded a down-beat introspective record called Adore, which was slammed upon release and lost them half their fan-base. Only recently in retrospective articles have critics back-stepped, regarding it now as a masterpiece with fans finally accepting its avant-garde beauty...Kid A anyone...?

In 2000, they released a piece of shit covered in wankery, named Machina/The Machines of God, but to tell you the truth none of us were surprised. If you were a true Smashing Pumpkins fan, you always knew Billy had it in him, that wank was just dying to come out. Unfortunately it killed them and they broke up shortly afterwards.

Fast-Forward to last year. Reformation at Last! And an announcement in November that they would headline the 2008 V Festival. After all my praying and (i'm not joking) dreaming of seeing them live back in high-school, the Pumpkins were back! Granted, it was without James Iha and D'Arcy Wretzky, but it was rumoured they were so drug-fucked Billy had to play all their parts on Siamese Dream anyway. So that was no loss in my mind. As long as Jimmy and Saint Corgan were there, seeing them would be a box on my 'life to-do list' ticked.

Firstly. Shit venue. Festival Hall? For all the ethereal beauty and ornate melodies that encompass Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, why perform them in a soul-less, dank tin shed? Secondly, if you're not going to have a supporting band and plan on beginning your show at 7.45 on the dot, it would be wise to have that info on the ticket so at least half the crowd can arrive in time for the opening song. I was lucky enough to find out about the dinner-time start on the blogs but judging by the empty stands when the Pumpkins graced the stage, many others missed out on what was a spectacular opening, the sprawling 9.5 minute, Porcelina of the Vast Oceans.

Now, you would think any well-meaning band would play a 'greatest hits' set list after being on hiatus for the last eight years and not having toured the country in fourteen, but the Pumpkins had never liked to conform to people's expectations. Taking four songs to reach a crowd favourite, we finally smiled and sung with all the air we could muster for the beautifully string-laden, Tonight, Tonight.

This circumstance would epitomise the concert. When the band gave the crowd what they wanted, Festival Hall was transformed into a gathering of love, nostalgia and admiration not unlike the hippie communes of the 1960's. But more often than not, the egos of the Pumpkins just wouldn't give that to us.

It may seem controlling and obnoxious of me to want a band to only play crowd favourites, but when you have the ability (which not many bands do) to have an entire set of hits and anthems (which they haven't played in 8 years)...why play unknown or obscure trash? Superchrist an 8 minute unreleased heavy metal affair was interesting, but it was hard to see past the potential for that 8 minutes to be filled with something a little bit more crowd satisfying.

And alas, such early disappointment was only a hint of what was to come. Bad song choices such as Lily (my one and only), easily the worst song off their otherwise brilliant Mellon Collie album, when chosen over so many other classics led this reviewer to feel that the band was specifically trying to piss off fans. A feeling that was cemented after they ended their concert with a B-side to their 1996 single, Thirty Three called My Blue Heaven, a piece of broadway piano pomp. Perhaps choose the A-side over the B-side next time Billy...

That is not to say the entire concert was a crushing disappointment. A beautiful and heartfelt rendition of Mayonaise was both unexpected and touching in a way that literally had tears streaming down my face, and acoustic versions of 1979 and its sister song Perfect were nothing short of magnificent. Today received a similar overwhelming reception to Bullet With Butterfly Wings, both of which got a semi-decent mosh-pit going. The highlight of the concert though was Drown. Written for the soundtrack to Cameron Crowe's movie Singles in 1992 but also featuring on their greatest hits Rotten Apples, its melodic beauty using their trademark loud-soft dynamic was just gorgeous, truly mesmerising stuff...

But these points of emphatic glory only served to highlight the unnecessary large amounts of shit that surrounded them. Personally, it was hard to appreciate the moment knowing that it was most likely going to be followed by an obscure, nothing song or piece of guitar wank. I'm certain that the Pumpkins wanted to do whatever the fuck they wanted that night and merely gave the crowd some scraps to chew on. As soon Billy felt that he'd given us the mandatory 5 hits, that was it, time for the inevitable trip to to BillyWorld....the land of songs only he knows, filled with gross amounts of distortion and feedback.

And that's the awful thing about inevitability because after dumbfounding the audience by ending the concert on a song that sounded like it came from Guys and Dolls, the house lights went up and I found myself surrounded by a few thousand angry Pumpkins fans. Billy returned after about ten minutes (which seemed like an eternity), and quickly placated the crowd with The Everlasting Gaze, a single of mediocre brilliance. The crowd were rapturous though, by now, obviously the frame of mind was to enjoy anything that was the least bit familiar...

The next 30 minutes of the concert was a waste of my valuable time. After playing another B-side, this time one from their lowest selling album of the 1990's Adore, they segued into three teasing covers; Britney Spears's Piece of Me, Buffalo Springfield's For What It's Worth and AC/DC's Let There be Rock. After ten minutes of that unnecessary rabble, Billy had obviously noticed the yawns emitting from Festival Hall, giving us one last oldie, Crush, an album track off their debut Gish...hardly the monster hit, but still more satisfying than the previous four songs put together.

So just when we all thought he might end the concert with a few treats to have us all smiling and feeling warm on the way out....he went and pissed us off a little further. There was so much noise surrounding me at this point, a cover of the vocal-less Pink Floyd song Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun was played without me knowing, and must've melted into their utterly deplorable song off last year's release Zeitgeist, the ten minute long United States.

Honestly, United States is the most boring and despicably repetitive piece of shit I've ever heard, and just for kicks, they like to drag it out to twenty minutes when they do it live. I would actually rather be at a Delta Goodrem concert than The Smashing Pumpkins while they play that song. It just never ends. The fact that i didn't even know they had played the Pink Floyd cover until i looked up the set list on the band's website is indicative of the length of unrecognizable guitar distortion and feedback we had to endure. And then. It was over.

No old-school track to finish on. No classic anthem to have everyone sing-a-long with. Nup. That's not the Pumpkins way. After over 30 minutes of mindless guitar trickery (which anyone with expensive effects pedals could do) they left the stage, never to return. And then came the boos...

And i don't blame them, the concert had the potential to be a reaffirmation of great 90's American Rock Music, but instead it was a conformation that Billy Corgan is one of the biggest tossbags in the music industry. A message to the giant himself: Come back to Australia if you ever take the time to squeeze that big, bald head of yours out from your rectum. And one last thing Billy, if you've made millions of dollars over the past decade by merchandising your iconic ZERO shirt, and thousands of people turn up to your shows wearing it, play the fucking song.

In Ghost Colours

When a stripper is slowly revealing her body to a lonely businessman at Spearmint Rhino, something is usually happening inside the tailored pants of this lucky man. Surprisingly, the chemical reaction is quite similar for a good album. The longer the anticipation, the faster the guy will blow his load. Cut/Copy's sophomore release In Ghost Colours is testament to that, coz its been 4 fucking years of foreplay and personally i was about to explode.

So when the album finally landed on the fat platform of Number 1 in the Australian ARIA albums chart on March 30th; the sultry voice of Dame Shirley Bassey echoed in my ears, "that it's all just a little bit of history repeating."

Because Hey! It had worked before! Oasis... you know, that arrogant Britpop band full of wankers that still think they own the world... Well they released their debut album Definitely Maybe in 1994 after cock-teasing the Brits with three singles, including the anthemic Live Forever - so when their album finally dropped they were already the biggest band in the country and they had the fastest selling record in U.K history.

Obviously the boys at Modular were watching and taking notes because with Hearts on Fire being released in March '07, they've sure been giving us a lot of time to twiddle our thumbs, and other parts of our body for that matter...November came rollin' and scratchin' along with the harder and dirtier So Haunted single. And we all had another reason to hug our best mate and jump up and down like dickheads at 3am in some shitty nightclub after the release of the feeling gooder than good Lights and Music on March the 1st.

So the sneaky little bastards knew what they were doing all along, and fair fucks to them because when i arrived at the opening acoustic guitar chords of Feel the Love - i was doing just that. The rest is a cosmic dream. While their debut album Bright Like Neon Love was brilliant, it was although the band didn't know whether they were imitating Daft Punk or Air - stuck in that grey area between indie-electro-dance and lounge music.

But after 4 years of solid touring with the likes of The Presets, Sebastian, Kavinsky and the Robot Rockers themselves, Cut/Copy have learned how to make even emos dance if they have to. In Ghost Colours is essentially an electro record with all the perks and dynamics of a great rock album. Slowly building bridges that lead into crescendo choruses are plentiful and as catchy as malaria in Indonesia. The Cutters have definitely mastered the technique of the 'woo ohhs and ah ahhhs' as their staple backing vocals but it is with Dan Whitford's new-wave voice that the pop songs really come together.

Sounding like the lovechild of Depeche Mode and Roxy Music, Tom's voice is given more clarity and prominence on this album, a welcome change considering the obvious growth in their lyrical depth. Yes lyrics! not usually the strongest asset of electronic music (just shake what your momma gave you and flaunt it...) but this is where Cut/Copy show us what all the hype is about. The group's ability to strike a balance between intellectual wordplay and sing-along choruses make this an album that is brilliant from the first time you hear it but also has considerable longevity. I challenge anyone not to sing along to the infectious last minute and a half of Out There On The Ice and the chorus of Far Away - both destined to be crowd/radio/club favourites.

In Ghost Colours wears its heart on its sleeve (no pun made about fire, despite temptation) but this only adds to the album's overall pop beauty - a shameless attraction to its own dreamy and punchy hooks. The album is one big hunk of synthed up love and just might be one of the best electronic releases since Röyksopp's The Understanding.

A message to The Presets: the bar has been set.
A+